I am not a doctor or therapist,
I am not putting this page here
so you can diagnose a friend
or family member as Bipolar.
Only a doctor can do that.

This is my story .....


From moment to moment
Changes
It's like my brain
Rearranges

A battle, if you will
Goes on within my soul
Highs one moment, then lows
What really, makes a woman whole?

A day comes ....
Start mopping a floor then start cleaning a window
Finish neither ......
go shopping
Plant one or two flowers out of the 50 I bought
Let the rest die without being planted .....
go shopping
Wash some of the clothes
Forget to put them in the dryer ..... Why?
I went shopping
But, I CAN do it ALL ....
Talk your ear off with hundreds of different words
that fly out of my mouth, jumbled together
But, never finish a complete sentence
Because, the last thought, I can't recall

But then....
That is the woman, I am
Hyper, angry, happy, sad
Obnoxious, impatient, glad
I could fly, if wings, I had ....
I don't have wings ....
I can STILL fly ... That's bad

Brain on "Auto-Pilot"
Elation takes over control
Talking ... out of control
Racing thoughts ... out of control
Anger ... out of control
Rage ... out of control
Common sense ... out of control
Judgment ... out of control
Spending .. out of control

OUT OF CONTROL
OUT OF CONTROL
OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!
And I CAN"T Stop!!!

But then....
That is the woman, I am
If I WERE a pilot flying a plane .....
"Mayday, Mayday"
"GOING TO CRASH LAND
FROM 40,000 FEET!!!!"
I yell in the radio, to which I leap
And WHY the crash?
Because everything mentioned above
has been going on straight through
Four Days and Four Nights, with NO sleep!

Not even getting into bed
Not even laying down my head
THE STORE IS OPEN 24 HOURS!!
I'll go shopping instead!!

24 Hour stores ...
A Manic's Paradise
24 Hours of shopping
A Manic pays the price

But then....
That is the woman, I am
I AM invincible....
You try and reason with me?
"My reasoning
is just fine, thank you very much ...
Are you blind? Can't you see?!?!"

You say, I'm living a "false" reality
That my life is out of touch, too....
I say ..... "So Says You!"
You say, I have bad judgment?
I say ..... "I'll be the judge of that!!"
You have started a war of the minds...
and I'm ready for combat!!

But then, you keep saying to me...
More, more, give me more
You tell me, you can put up with my
"manic behaviors"
Of course you can ...
As long as I am doing endless favors

I can go 24 hours with no sleep
A 24 hour working machine ....
While all of the world rests ....
In their beds, so serene

But then....
That is the woman, I am
There are days I should not even be allowed
to speak in my own behalf...
When I'm high ... I will promise you the moon
And be totally convinced ...
I could actually get that moon for you ...
You laugh?

For one day, even just one hour
I wish you could be the 'owner' of my mind
To explore and search out
To see what you find ....

All at once ...
You will be in the middle of a tornado,
tidal wave, hurricane, thunder storm
While falling through a pit of hot electrical wires
Getting shocked by each one all the way down .....
And feel that NOTHING is out of the norm!

But then....
That is the woman, I am
The chemicals in my brain
are so out of whack
If I'm not depressed
I'm having a manic attack

And if I was not in the middle of manic
Depression takes over, from elation I begin to fall
Full speed ahead....
Comes a wrecking ball

And just like that wrecking ball
Smashes a building to the ground
That's how fast depression
can take me down....

When I was at my lowest point
There was no lower to go ....
But I was wrong ...
What did I know

For the depths were even lower
Than any man could see
The black pit swallowed hard
And took the best of me

It drained out all my color
I become a sullen gray
There was no joy or laughter
There was no light of day

Only an endless flood
Swept hard across my face
The tears would never stop
No happiness to embrace

Lower yet, the pit was deep
How much further can one sink
No capacity to reason
To concentrate, to think

And after the crying was done
I sunk down, lower still
I lost my ability to cry
I lost my heart, my will

Could I fall even further
Had Sheol claimed my soul
A women, once vibrant
Is now, not even whole

I could not hear a sound
I was deaf to the words of hope
I could not feel a loving touch
I was numb and could not cope

I could not see, I could not speak
The words I once spoke of faith
There was no taste of good things
I felt, not even safe

And when I looked in the mirror
As through this pit I fell
There was no reflection back
There stood an empty shell

So there stands the shell, nothing more
Was this life lived in vain
Everything was gone
But, I still could feel the pain

And so I would sleep, sleep, sleep
All day, all night
For days, weeks, months
No end in sight

I became invisible to the world
To friends, to family
My existence was not real
I was not real, no life to fill
Zero, nothing, nil

But then....
That is the woman, I am
Then the storms in my mind start churning
I feel a flutter inside my chest
I'm moving upwards now
To what I think, my best

Not quite there, still low
I'm reaching a danger zone
Worthless is the feeling now
One of the worst feelings I've known

A plan, then, I start making
It all makes perfect since, to me
This life, of mine, is wasted
I was never meant to be ...

The reasoning in my mind ...
I'm a terrible mistake
An oddity, abnormal ...
My life, I must take

Tears once again
Out of control I cry
Praying to the Lord
"Why can't you let me die?!?!

A plan I start making
My life I'll be taking
But, then I'm found
I can't win
Locked in the hospital again

They start giving me drugs ....
More than the time before
Psychiatrists, Psychoanalysts, Psychotherapist
I can't go through this anymore

Talk, talk, talk ....
I'm tired of talking about this
Two weeks pass, three weeks, six weeks
My family, I miss

There were some beautiful memories
I once had
I can't remember them .....
That makes me sad
Why did I agree .....
To shock treatments
They erased memories from me

They stole away happy moments
I search my mind
Moments, forever gone
And I'll never find

Shock treatments
They say, this treatment is best
Shock treatments
I DETEST!

Nine of them!
After the first one .....
Children? ( I have three)
All I remembered, I had none
Couldn't even use the phone
Didn't know, who I was
Or where I was....
I was all alone

I believe the word is "zombie"
Walking through the hospital halls
Staggering, holding onto walls
Can't they see
What they did to me?!?!?!

Then the day comes....
Depression controlled, "they" think ...
No more highs?
No more lows?
No more anger?
No more rage? ...
BUT WAIT!! ....
You didn't prescribe the right medication!! ....
So, Dear Reader ....
Start reading from the top of this page ....
Because it all starts over again!
But then....
That is the woman, I am


© 7/11/06
Kathryn Sunday Davis

So, Dear Friends, you can read through this once,
then twice, and again and again ....
This was my life, over and over, until Doctors finally
found the right medication for me.
And I still have some highs and some lows,
but NOTHING, like before.

I did have a bit of a setback, not too long ago,
because the Doctor wanted to change my medication
to the time released tablets,
to keep a steady amount in my system at all times.
But that is exactly why I don't mess around
with my medication
Just a little mess up one way or the other
can throw me over the edge.

I have been used, abused, judged and labeled
because of this illness.
I have been embraced under the guise of friendship
because of my capabilities and stamina when manic.

There is even a line in the verse above,
"There are days I should not even be allowed
to speak in my own behalf...."
Truer words have never been spoken....
If you have a family member or a very dear friend, that
is bipolar, you will have to run interference for them.
They can so easily get involved with a situation or person that
can prove to be detrimental to their well being.

This illness is hereditary, my daughter has it,
but thank God, I recognized a problem
when she was only 21 years old.
We were able to get it under control right away.
Mine was not discovered until my 40's.
And we had no idea I had something called "Bipolar."
What the heck is "Bipolar?"
Well, I sure didn't need to look up the
definition of "Bipolar"
I WAS the "Walking" definition of Bipolar!"
I know my father has it, and his mother did too.
I can look back, through the years,
and remember things my grandmother said and did.
And I remember stories told about my dad's grandmother.
My great-grandmother. I asked my dad, one time,
to describe her and he said,
she was what you would call "eccentric."
Manic untreated = Eccentric.

Here is a link to a very good site
that has the symptoms listed for Bipolar Disorder
Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance
www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_bipolar

And this is a very good book, written by Patty Duke (actress)
who battled with this illness. And believe me, it's a battle, for the
one that has it, for their friends, and family.
A better name for this illness, could not, have been chosen

A Brilliant Madness:
Living with Manic Depressive Illness
by Patty Duke

I still have some manic episodes, and I still feel
that sudden "thud" in my chest of hopelessness,
sometimes, not a lot, nothing like I had before medication.
I will never be "cured."
I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.
But, taking medication the rest of my life,
is certainly better than the alternative.
And I learned the hard way, a long time ago...
even if I'm feeling better or great
or a little bit on top of the world ....
I better not stop my medication. I use to stop taking it
and then argue I didn't need medication anymore...
That, of course, was just not true.
THAT'S when I needed it more than ever!